mangacide: (tentacled fury)
There's a moment, sometimes called "the final push" or "dying throes". The saying "It gets worse before it gets better".

For instance, when you really begin to discipline your child for the first time, after they've already learned that they can scream at you and you'll give them what they want to shut them up. There's always an acceleration of behavior at that moment. Where the child will scream louder and longer and maybe even throw things around. A final rally before they realize that what they're doing simply isn't going to work anymore.

This is how I feel about society's relationship with women right now.

Twix is producing commercial after commercial in which it's made to look like lying to women is a good thing. The men in these commercials eat a twix, think up a lie, and are rewarded for that. There is no consequence.

Axe commercials in general are groanworthy, but now they have one that makes extremely immature and insipid jokes about "cleaning your balls", complete with a closeup shot of a woman fondling a pair of golfballs in her hand.

Twilight. Do I really have to explain? This sham of a novel series depicting the classic abusive relationship (The only phrase missing from the books dialouge is "but I love him!!" paired with a description of Bella having a black eye and a broken arm) in a romantasized light and being sold to teenage girls all over the world.

The new 3D movie "Alpha + Omega", which is an insult both to women AND to anyone who knows anything at all about wolves.

These are just some of the things going on today. And it's not just obvious things like this. The continued reinforcement of the gender barrier and all it's stereotypes (Men only like videogames and Football and Beer, Women only like makeup and cheesecake and Romance novels) gives me the feeling that generally speaking, society is going through this same desparate acceleration of negative behaviors before finally (hopefully) giving way to the truth. Women like videogames, Men enjoy romance novels. The idea of the 'gender norm' is an illusion. One that's persisted for far too long. And while there are people who relate to those categories, they should relate as individuals. And not speak for the entire gender.

I don't think it will ever be prefect. I mean, there are things that we as a society don't even think about half the time. It's become so completely normal that it goes completely missed. Like when a guy tells another guy "don't be a woman". Suddenly being female is a bad, undesireable thing. As if to say "Who on earth would want to be female?". That's insanely derogative, don't you think? You never hear women telling each other "Hey, don't be a Man".

It's bizarre to me how things like that are so easily overlooked. Even by myself. But even though it will never be perfect, I have to believe it will get better. After we're all done screaming and kicking our feet.

mangacide: (Cheerfully Evil)
Puns you will never see in Xanth:


mangacide: (ZKK-101)
"That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain't I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain't I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man - when I could get it - and bear the lash as well! And ain't I a woman? I have borne thirteen children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother's grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain't I a woman?

Then they talk about this thing in the head; what's this they call it? [member of audience whispers, "intellect"] That's it, honey. What's that got to do with women's rights or negroes' rights? If my cup won't hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn't you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?

Then that little man in black there, he says women can't have as much rights as men, 'cause Christ wasn't a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.

If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back , and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.

Obliged to you for hearing me, and now old Sojourner ain't got nothing more to say."

--Sojourner Truth, 1851
Women's Convention, Akron, Ohio
mangacide: (Best Friends)
Even though we've aged, and for many of us, we have different priorities than before, it's nice to know that we can still come together, to write amazing stories with the help of our dear dear friends.

mangacide: (Cheerfully Evil)
Thank you much Hilfs >D

"Despite having an IQ of over 600 she doesn't use it that often" - quoted from [ profile] bad_rpers_suck

Read the rest of the funny here.

mangacide: (Doom)
My head is alive with pain.

Every movement, not matter how slight, causes a pulsing that brings me nearly to the point of tears. I would like you to disregard any typos that occur here, as I am typing with my eyes closed atm. Normally, this would be a reason for me to lay don and try not to do anything. But since I have a body wracking cough as wel, this is not an option.

So I'm sitting up, which is strangely more comfortable on my head anyway. I believe the last time I had a headache this bad, I was at least 8 years old. And back then I would roll myself up in a comforter on my floor or on the bathroom floor and sleep there. There will be none of that this time. I hurt too much to sleep.

This could not have come at a worse time. With my joining a roleplay, and restarting [ profile] emerald_blues. I have work that needs to be done, and I'm in no condition now to do any of it. Plus I feel like I'm letting people down. I hate that feeling.

I will continue to hold on until 1pm, when 24hrs will have passed and I can take another dose of excedrin and stave this off for a while once more.


Note: Upon reading this, I did better with the typing than I thought I would. Guess those lessons in high school paid off.
mangacide: (Cheerfully Evil)
"Sker, You know how the song goes: "Loving men say only leaves rush in." Well, I'm afraid I must. I can't wait another minute to feel your missing embrace. Now I know how Nani felt when the flowers first parted to reveal Taurian silhouetted against a healing sky. It was Hope at first sight! Please be mine. I'll be right here, running choose until you get here.

Yours truly,
mangacide: (Cheerfully Evil)
How do you talk to your friends? Do you censor yourself? And if you do, how much do you keep hidden? When you do share, how does it make you feel? Do you feel like you're placing a burden on your friends by sharing this information with them? But at the same time, do you realize that when you share this information, you offer a gift to that friend. It brings them closer, and they in turn, are often happy to take on some of that burden, so that you can be lighter knowing that that support is there for you when you need it.

I try to share my life with my friends when I can, but often times when someone asks me how I am, I just can't find the right words to describe myself. It's better to ask a more specific question I believe, about your day or your week or your personal wellbeing. But whatever the method, I believe if we are all able to share more with our friends, then we can take some weight onto each others shoulders, and be more evenly balanced for the experience.

I love my friends. Even the ones that I don't talk to often, and the ones that I'm not completely sure how they feel about me. In a perfect world, these are people I would live near, and do things with in the real world. I feel like sometimes the confines of a computer screen are very restrictive. It's harder to feel really close to someone you haven't seen, shaken hands with, hugged. You may see the same movies or watch the same animes, but you can't have them come with you to the theater, or invite them to your house to watch those things together. It makes me very sad sometimes.

On the other hand though, the computer is a very usefull tool. I doubt someone like me would have the power to attempt publishing a Gaming book without things like wordpad. And if I didn't go on sites like Deviantart, I wouldn't have met Evan and gotten the assistance I need to undertake such a project. And that's not even getting into all the work I've been doing on photoshop. The computer really is a double edged sword for me.

And on the topic of Emerald Blues, things have been going well lately. With the help of my dear friends, we've whittled down the list of 50 monsters that needed descriptions. I can't say I envy Evan though, since he has to write the technical info for them all ._.|| Heck, I don't envy anyone who has to write level growth tables and things like damage reduction for any Monsters x.x|| It's a pretty big task y'know? But the payoff will be amazing if we can make the book at least a little bit of a success.

I'm terribly scared of the future of this project though. Because I don't know the first thing about making a book. I don't know how to promote it or where to get copywrights or who to talk to. And if I think about it too much I start to realize just how large a project this is. It becomes overwhelming and intimidating. But I keep working on it because I want it to be a success. I want to make sure that I've done all I can while I'm here to have a productive life. So I have to keep working.

I'm trying to make the Monsters in Eifel very organic in nature. That is, unless it's something created by magic or science, I'm trying to make sure that the monsters I'm writing about have a place in the natural world there. The predetors actually hunt the herbavores there, instead of just waiting around for the humanoids to come and attack them. It can get kind of hard though, thinking of how they should relate to the world around them. Maybe I'm just overthinking it though.



Jan. 11th, 2010 11:47 am
mangacide: (ZKK-101)
Not these. Things like this are usually meant to be seen by someone. Otherwise people wouldn't put them online at all.

But real, physical diaries. Those are amazing things.

I have a diary that belonged to my late Father, there are very few entries in it. In fact I think it may have been the last journal he ever kept. I take it out and read it sometimes. It's a comfort to me. Because it's like I know more about him through that than I learned while I was growing up. I can see, with the ink on paper writing, how I'm like him in so many ways. And the places where I'm different as well. I think real physical diaries are the only way to really know and understand another person. In a place like this, where people know and expect other people to read their writings, there can be an element of falsehood added to the words. People are writing for an audience after all, and not for themselves. Plus they will omit and censor things they don't want said others to know about. So it's not the same as an actual diary.

Earlier I suddenly got a toothache. How strange...

mangacide: (Cheerfully Evil)
If you like me and/or Eifel, and have MIRC, come and chat with me on EFnet at #emeraldblues

You can ask questions about the D20 system, or talk about the rp, or just shoot the breeze :9

mangacide: (ZKK-101)
My Mother called me up the other day, and apologized for the many times in our lives that she'd become a reckless driver when we fought and she grew angry. She said she was wrong, and that she was sorry. If I lived there, and could have spoken to her in person, I would have hugged her. But as it was, it seemed all I could do was sit in silence. And since then, it's been causing me to think a lot about the way in which I interact with others, be it my family, my friends, or strangers.

So I was wondering, does anyone else have trouble saying the words "I forgive you" when someone apologizes to them? I become very conflicted inside when someone apologizes like that to me. Because I don't feel like those words are my right to bestow upon someone. Or at least, not for something so trivial. Apologies that need verbal forgiveness to me are things much more serious than a little reckless driving while we were having a fight. And since I was yelling too, don't I share part of the blame for engaging in the behavior that caused the reckless driving?

Perhaps I'm just self loathing, or maybe I'm overthinking it. But thinking about the reasons why I couldn't say those words...I realized that I must have seemed very cold at times in the past, when people spoke to me about things that I felt I had no right to convey. And that was never my intention. I...I'm not a cold person you know. I just hold a lot back, because if I let loose there will be a flood. People like my Mother and my Husband have seen it in the past. I try to convey a feeling, and I just end up crying because I'm so overwhelmed by emotion. I suppose it could also be said that I shouldn't be trying to defend my behavior or anything. So I think I'll end this post here before I start off on some long and complicated journey.

And if anyone has ever felt put off by me because of something I needed to say but didn't, or shouldn't have said but did, then I apologize.

mangacide: (Bad Mood)
I don't know where people are watching these things at, but someone PLEASE direct me to a site with english subtitled episodes of Wagay no Oinari Sama. PLEASE PLEASE!? *cries* T______T Preferably a place wehre I can have the DvDs shipped to my house. But a torrent will work just as well.

mangacide: (Living my Youth)
Well folks, Christmas is over. So I suppose I'll do a rundown of things I have and things I'm planning on having. First, let's start with the nerd stuff. I'll use a * rating to indicate enjoyment. 5 out of 5 *'s is a great rating >D and then you know, 4 is above average, 3 is average, etc etc.

When I was 29...It was a very good year )

MDC went into Hibernation, and I had to close Emerald Blues. But some good work was done on the Eifel D20 system, and more work will be done in the coming months. I'm going to try and reopen Emerald Blues if I can. It's the best testing ground for Eifel and I just love role playing with my friends. New additions will have to be made though, like possibly a separate OOC community for the rp. Plus I'm going to have to go and update the Eifel Wiki soon too. So much to do so much to do.

Here's to a busy 2010 everyone. I hope you had a great year, and I hope that next year will be even better!



Dec. 14th, 2009 11:02 am
mangacide: (Doom)
There's something to be said for changing things about your life that have remained in one state for a long period of time. Sometimes something is very familiar to you, but there comes a time when you realize that you've held onto it for too long, and that you outgrew it years ago. In short...

I changed my email today.

It doesn't seem like that big of a thing. But it feels a lot like stepping into a new identity. And there's a lot of work involved too. Changing all your contacts on various websites and accounts. And getting contacts and emails transfered from the old address. And then there's the retraining involved. Teaching myself to go to the new location and not repeat the habit of logging into the old email every day. Surprising how much there is to just changing an email.

Still it feels good to do it. The new email, while still expressing my interests, feels more permanent than the old one. And more mature as well. I feel like in a way it's a small step towards my goals. Even though it may seem insignificant.

Too bad the rest of my life isn't going as smoothly...

What's this 'and the rest' crap? )



Nov. 1st, 2009 12:38 am
mangacide: (Default)
I've been rocking the Halloween event on GaiaOnline, and I have to say, it's been awesome >D I'm fighting for JUSTICE >OO

mangacide: (Miss me)
I once conversed with Hilf on the growth of the soul from birth into it's mature state, and how the experiences and interactions of life and the decisions they make can culminate in the end result of a person who is either good or evil. But I thought a little more about it and an idea came upon me that that may only be part of the truth. So we have Mythology, Reincarnation, Furries, and Motes. All stemming from two diverging paths of life.

It starts at the same place. The soul that inhabits the tiniest micro organisms. It is so small it barely registers as a soul at all. A tiny mote living a simple life. However, like an embryo, the soul grows as it passes through the short lives of micro organisms, bacteria, and even viruses. Until it is too big for them, and is finally born into the world.

Path number one:

The newborn souls become the insects. They become worms and tiny water animals. As before, they live simple lives, each incarnation is brief, but allows the soul to grow a little more. Until the soul is too large for those smallest creatures. So they expand, into the bodies of tiny lizards and mice, and jellyfish and little anemones. So it goes, the souls continuing in their areas until they become too big, then moving to the next level. Through birds and cats and dogs, to gorillas and small ponies and people. Some souls will stay in an area longer than others, if their lives are ended too quickly they may go through extra incarnations, as they make up for lost growth. And these vague feelings of the past incarnations come back to us while we're humans. So a person may remember that they were a lizard, but they also know that they were still themselves. So that combination of Lizard and Self becomes the anthropomorphized lizard-person in the mind. But eventually the souls become too big even for the human vessel, and so they become larger things, tigers and bears, and they rhinos, giraffes, Elephants...until finally the souls are so large that they have to migrate out into the ocean, becoming the giant whales in the sea. And when the whales die, the souls dissipate into the air, becoming tiny motes no bigger than atoms. And the motes settle in the microscopic organisms, and begin to grow...

Path number two:

The newborn souls become the blades of grass. They become the algae in rivers and the coral in the ocean. As before, they live simple lives, each incarnation lasting only as long as the life of the plant. It's a much simpler life all around, as the soul grows it becomes the flowers, and the shrubs, The seaweed and kelp in the sea, and finally the trees. The souls that were trees can be some of the oldest there are, but they are also still very innocent. For while the tree can grow very large, it is also rooted in the ground, and cannot learn about the world outside of it's home area on it's own. It has to rely on the stories from other things. Like the great whales, when the oldest trees finally die their souls dissipate into the motes that come to rest in the microscopic organisms, and so begin to grow...

But these paths are not so straightforward that never do they touch. A rose bush can become a dog or a person. A person can become a tree. And so if a tree is cut early in it's life, it's soul may become a human. And the human has the vague feelings of being a tree, and thus a dryad is imagined. So you have to think, if you were an eagle before you were a Lynx, then maybe you misty feelings became a gryphon. Or a Mermaid or a Manticore.


Oct. 20th, 2009 03:28 pm
mangacide: (Bad Mood)
Is it bad to drop a friend when you feel like you're just hanging around without being invited? )
mangacide: (Miss me)
So, we have the beginnings of feats! Isn't it amazing? But it's made me think of a lot of other things. How are we going to market this? Who will publish us? And who are we going to get to carry the product? Thinking about it is quite daunting. Intimidating even. I honestly...can't even imagine. Then there's the question of how we're going to get a group together to playtest the system, and what about going to conventions? We're supposed to do that aren't we? I don't know what the rules are for people who make a gaming book. Do we have to go to those or does it just look bad or something if we don't?

But that's still far off in the distance. It's not even on the horizon yet so we do I worry so? Well that's easy enough I suppose. I'm going to be 30 in about 5 months. A time period that isn't as long as it seems. And I feel like...well not that I'm getting old, but that the longer one waits to begin taking themselves seriously in terms of what they will do with their lives, the harder it becomes to actually achieve what they want to. On the other hand though, my possible infertility could be a blessing in disguise, as the lack of a child frees up more time to work on what I need to be doing to make this happen.

Other than that though, things are going painfully slow. I'm in the middle of a horrible artistic slump. Now more than ever I want that tablet PC, because sitting on the edge of my bed facing the monitor, with hardly any room for my tablet in my lap (It keeps hitting the tray out kayboard is sitting on) is just uncomfortable. And tiring. I want to be able to sit comfortably when I'm drawing. I guess I'm just spoiled. A scanner would be nice too. So that when I draw in my notebook it's not forever separated from the rest of the Emerald Blues images and text.

I feel like I'm struggling against deep, swift rapids, trying to acompllish something. Because I love Eifel and want to share it with others, and because I don't want to feel like a waste of space. Or a burden on my Husband and my Mother in Law and Myself.

But enough of that. It's overcast today. I like overcast days, and days when it rains. It makes me feel calm inside, even if I can't say that I feel peacefull. Sunny days have their merits too though, because the light coming through the windows reflects off of all the crystals I hung there, casting prisms all about my room. It makes my room feel magical, and I always feel a little happier seeing it. A lot of my ideas have come from just laying on my bed, watching the prisms gliding across the ceiling and walls. Or staring outside at the green lawn and bright flowers, watching hummingbirds and doves and finches flitting about the trees and bushes.


I have so much to do...and so little energy to do it with.

~ Jett
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