Jan. 3rd, 2010

mangacide: (ZKK-101)
My Mother called me up the other day, and apologized for the many times in our lives that she'd become a reckless driver when we fought and she grew angry. She said she was wrong, and that she was sorry. If I lived there, and could have spoken to her in person, I would have hugged her. But as it was, it seemed all I could do was sit in silence. And since then, it's been causing me to think a lot about the way in which I interact with others, be it my family, my friends, or strangers.

So I was wondering, does anyone else have trouble saying the words "I forgive you" when someone apologizes to them? I become very conflicted inside when someone apologizes like that to me. Because I don't feel like those words are my right to bestow upon someone. Or at least, not for something so trivial. Apologies that need verbal forgiveness to me are things much more serious than a little reckless driving while we were having a fight. And since I was yelling too, don't I share part of the blame for engaging in the behavior that caused the reckless driving?

Perhaps I'm just self loathing, or maybe I'm overthinking it. But thinking about the reasons why I couldn't say those words...I realized that I must have seemed very cold at times in the past, when people spoke to me about things that I felt I had no right to convey. And that was never my intention. I...I'm not a cold person you know. I just hold a lot back, because if I let loose there will be a flood. People like my Mother and my Husband have seen it in the past. I try to convey a feeling, and I just end up crying because I'm so overwhelmed by emotion. I suppose it could also be said that I shouldn't be trying to defend my behavior or anything. So I think I'll end this post here before I start off on some long and complicated journey.

And if anyone has ever felt put off by me because of something I needed to say but didn't, or shouldn't have said but did, then I apologize.


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